Emotional State of Matt #16: DEPRESSED

I’ve come to the conclusion that the little voice in my head is an asshole.

<I am you, so right back at you>

After taking 5 months off from the trip last year, I was having a hard time getting back into the flow of traveling. I found myself feeling lethargic and DEPRESSED. During my time off I’d had the comfort of routine and community. Then I found myself all alone on the road again in places I didn’t know, stuck with cold, bleak weather. My original motivations for starting this trip seemed far away and were no longer applicable. I couldn’t figure out why I was still doing it, but I didn't want to quit.

<what’s your problem? you’re living the dream, how can you be sad?>

By all accounts I was a happy kid when I was really young. I’m not sure when I started becoming moody and withdrawn. Maybe it was when my parents divorced. Maybe it was when I was diagnosed with epilepsy at ten years old (it went away when I was eighteen). Maybe it was when I started getting bullied in middle school for being nerdy and scrawny. Maybe d) all of the above. Maybe e) none of the above.

Regardless, for as long as I can remember, my default state has been a dull melancholy. I have the same life ups and downs as everyone, but my down swings can get pretty low. Thankfully I was never suicidal, but I have spent weeks or months at time withdrawn from family and friends, not wanting to do anything. I know I’m in a bad place when I have no interest in doing even the things I love.

<everyone’s got problems, yours aren’t special>

I was raised to mistrust medication and, like most boys and men of my generation, to be tough and self-reliant. If my sad feelings were running my life it was my fault. I was being weak and not trying hard enough. I never learned to accept my feelings, identify them, and talk constructively about them. Intense, hard feelings confused me and manifested as anger, violence, and rebellion.

I was put into therapy as a kid, but I didn’t want to be there so I made little progress. I tried therapy a couple of times as an adult but I wasn’t prepared or willing to be honest and do the hard work. Each attempt lasted only a few sessions. Instead, I coped through self medication - from video games to alcohol. Whatever would give me a little dopamine hit and help me ignore how shitty I felt. Of course, these coping mechanisms were cheap, short-term fixes that ultimately dug me deeper in whatever pit I was in. 

<you’re weak to need a crutch>

I managed to mask well enough to have a successful, advancing career, but the more money I made, the better I could afford the things I used to dull my feelings. My few close friends and family knew I had demons, but I don't think they realized the extent to which I was suffering. It’s remarkable how much shit can be going on right under the surface for someone who seems like they're doing well. 

When I met my former partner, I was a mess. I was a chain smoking, functioning alcoholic in deep depression. She was physically and mentally healthy, but somehow loved and wanted me. I convinced myself that she was my last, best chance at a “normal” life before I devolved into an irredeemable derelict. I hoped that she would save me from myself. 

<what a cop out>

This was, in retrospect, probably not the strongest foundation for a relationship and marriage. It remained a problem throughout our 11 year relationship, even though I couldn’t have identified it at the time. I was trying to be the person I thought I “should be”. I was trying to be the boyfriend and husband I thought she wanted me to be. We never really talked openly about this, and in the end it was one of the things that undid us. 

<see, this is what happens when you let yourself need someone else>

That said, I became a much healthier person while I was with her. I went to therapy for a while and, with her love and support, started learning how to talk about my feelings before I exploded. I eventually accepted that I needed help, and sought out medication. It has been a game changer. It’s not a silver bullet, but it has raised my baseline to a more “normal” level and narrowed the range of my mood swings. 

I still struggle. That asshole in my head is still noisy. I’m still slow to identify when something is bothering me and needs to be addressed. My initial inclination is still to fall back on numbing, isolation, and stoicism, but I'm learning how to ask for and accept help. 

<you’re a grown-ass man that can’t even take care of himself>

In January and February, as I restarted the trip, I found myself sliding into a hole of depression. Situations at work were increasing my anxiety level. I was spending a lot of time alone in my head, which can still be a scary and hopeless place. The weather and my mood kept me locked away in my Airbnbs rather than exploring the places I visited. From Maryland to South Carolina I did less and less in each state. 

<you’re letting people down by not writing better posts>

I am in a much better head space now. My second break in Costa Rica couldn’t have come at a better time. I picked back up in March by going to Alaska, which was the most incredible and invigorating adventure of this trip so far.

I feel guilty that several states didn’t get the attention and exploration that they deserved. But I keep reminding myself that this blog is about my experience, not a thorough travelogue of the United States. Some states are going to be Alaska, some are going to be South Carolina, and that’s okay. It's what makes this unique and personal. 

<it's a terrible idea to air your dirty laundry on the internet>

As I progress through the remaining states, I will be challenged, I will have hard times. Just because I’m off having an adventure doesn’t mean that life is going to play along and suddenly be easy.

But I am living my life now, as unconventional as it may be. I need to take my lessons to heart and build on them. Throughout my entire life I will struggle with hard emotions and the asshole in my head. I will be DEPRESSED sometimes. I need to keep perspective and remember to do what the Beatles said - to get by with a little help from my friends. 

<you should be able to stand on your own without anyone’s help>

Try to be kind to each other. You never know what someone else is going through. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me and this venture. It means the world and keeps me going.

Yes, and…

Matt