Emotional State of Matt #13: HOME, SICK

In my travels, I am frequently asked "Where are you from?" and I never know how to answer. Do I say Ithaca, where I grew up? Do I say Los Angeles, where I lived the longest? Do I say Portland or Vancouver, where I lived most recently? Or do I tell people that I am currently without a home?

I, like so many others, have been watching the fires ravaging Los Angeles. I have so many roots there, so many friends. In many ways LA still feels like HOME, and watching the sheer scope of the destruction has given me a knot in my stomach. I feel SICK.

It’s hard for anyone who has never been to Los Angeles to comprehend just how large it is. Flying into LAX over the urban sprawl of San Bernadino County, and then Los Angeles County, you begin to understand. From where I used to live near downtown, I could drive for an hour in any direction but west and never get out of an urban area. When looking at a map, the scale doesn’t quite register.

To put their size into context, the Palisades and Eaton fires together have burned 60 square miles so far. That’s 2.65 Manhattans. That’s 1.98 Ithacas, 1.71 Miamis, 1.25 Bostons, 1.11 Minneapolises, 1.09 Pittsburghs (where I just stayed), .73 Clevelands, and .41 Portlands. All destroyed.

So far, the Palisades and Eaton fires are the third and fourth most destructive fires in California history based on structures destroyed (5,300 & 4,000 respectively - and counting), and they are burning in the same county at the same time. As of the writing of this post, the fires are only 17% and 35% contained respectively. 45 - 75 mph winds are forecast this week, and there is the potential for “explosive growth” of the fires. Overnight, a new one sprung up in Ventura, and an extreme red flag warning has been issued for the whole area.

Current estimated financial damage is $135 - $150 Billion - more than the GDP of many countries. 100,000 people are on mandatory evacuation orders and another 80,000 on evacuation warning. That’s far more people than the total population of most of the places I’ve stayed on this trip.

Four people from my co-worker's family lost everything. Her childhood community is in ruins. My friends Brad and Carolyn, who I stayed with for my Massachusetts week, have had to evacuate their Encino home. 24 people have died so far.

Unlike many other disasters, The Palisades and Eaton fires have disproportionately affected affluent communities. There's a long list of celebrities who have lost homes. It’s a grim reminder that it doesn’t matter who you are, what you have, or where you come from - Mother Nature doesn't give a shit.

And if the natural disaster wasn't bad enough, leave it to humans to make it worse - from the tasteless and the stupid to the truly despicable.

Some of the ultra wealthy are hiring private firefighters to protect their homes, taking potential resources away from the broader effort. 1,000 inmates have volunteered to help, but they are paid at most only $27 per day to risk their lives.

Politicians are using this as an opportunity to score points against their opponents. Don’t get me wrong - there should be accountability if mistakes or bad decisions were made, but can we at least wait until the city stops burning?.

Someone flying a personal drone to capture footage of the fires crashed it into a “super scooper” plane that was battling the blaze, taking it out of commission for days. Landlords have jacked up rents, profiting off of others’ tragedy.

And then there are genuinely evil things like this, which I got from my friend Chris.

It makes me ill. Some people deserve to be dragged through the streets.

There is always suffering and destruction somewhere - no shortage of awful stories on the news. It’s natural to tune out or disassociate. If you felt every tragedy deeply you’d be in a state of constant pain. It hits differently when it happens close to home. The neighborhoods that are on fire aren’t just names on a map for me - they are tied to specific memories and events.

Death and destruction remind you of life’s impermanence. The natural reaction is to want to retreat to the place where you feel safe and in control - your home. My heart breaks for everyone who can’t do that right now, whether because they are in an evacuation zone or because their homes have been destroyed.

I haven’t had a home for almost a year. My friends and family have provided me with love and support, but my life is packed into my car and in boxes in my former partner's basement. I sleep in a different bed each week. One of the reasons I left my marriage was because I felt constrained. I needed more spontaneity and adventure in my life. Now, after almost a year of this transient life, I find myself daydreaming about staying in one place for a little while. I imagine the home I will set up when the 50 States are complete. In the face of everything going on, I find myself HOMESICK for a home that I haven't yet created.